The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Test

About a week ago, I took the Test of Critical Reading and Writing Skills, a prerequisite for the Proseminar course that serves as one of three admission courses for humanities and social science programs at the Harvard Extension School. The test is relatively simple, and for me, it consisted of an excerpt of a text with five critical reading questions and an essay prompt based on the text. I was given one hour to complete the test. Honestly, the hardest part wasn't even the test itself; it was the pressure to perform.

Looking back, that seems kind of silly. This is not an admission exam. This test does not determine whether I can or cannot enroll in courses from the Harvard Extension School. What it does determine is whether I will need to take an additional expository writing course before taking the Proseminar course. While this wouldn't be the end of the world, considering that the expository writing course would also count as an elective toward my degree and fulfill an admission requirement, it does mean one less course that I get to choose myself, and that, after all, is the whole point of my return to school. I decided to pursue graduate studies for myself. I wanted to be stretched and challenged, particularly in subjects and methodologies that were meaningful or significant to my personal interests and passions. History and religion, for example, are two subjects that I find intellectually exciting. Using the expository writing course as an elective means I get to take one religion or history course fewer than I otherwise could have had I passed the Test of Critical Reading and Writing Skills. And to think the test's instructions told me to relax!

Now, it's really not that big a deal. No matter what my results are, I still intend to start the program, even if I am required to take a course that I really don't want to take. However, I'll be on pins and needles until Friday. It isn't just that I don't want to take a specific course, though. Passing the Test of Critical Reading and Writing Skills may not determine whether I can study at the Harvard Extension School, but it would give me a sense of confidence and a feeling that I actually belong among the students who will be taking these courses with me. When I first started college at BYU, I felt an immobilizing sense of imposter syndrome. In my little hometown set in rural North Carolina, I was one of the brightest and smartest. In Provo, Utah, however, guys like me were a dime a dozen, and I felt it every day on campus. I'm ashamed to say that I did not handle that well, which is why I ultimately transferred to an online program through BYU-Idaho. I'm hoping that the online component of Harvard Extension School coupled with the rigor of classes taught by Harvard faculty will help me find some kind of middle ground between my in-person and online undergraduate experiences.

As I write this, I am not too concerned about the results of my test. That is out of my control now. I remember initially feeling pretty good about my essay, but since hitting that wonderful little "submit" button, I have found myself mentally noting several things I could have done better. Did I have a strong enough thesis? Did my first paragraph even include anything that could be considered a thesis? Did I conclude well? Was my writing cliche? Those are the things I've worried about. (I'm not at all concerned about the critical reading questions, as I am confident that I answered each of them correctly.) It is up to the graders at Harvard to determine whether my writing is up to snuff, and whatever they decide, I will be at peace. This long journey may begin with a single test, but a single test will not define my journey.